Wait, isn't everyone sensitive to rejection?

How to get past Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria as a writer or freelancer

When I first heard the term Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), it was from a good friend of mine sharing her experiences job hunting and how it is extra tough as an ADHDer with RSD. But doesn't everyone react negatively to rejection? I thought. "RSD is an ADHD trait, one of the major ones," she told me, "it's found in most every person with ADHD and it's not nearly as common in those without it." I had not yet been diagnosed with ADHD, and personally hadn't started to see my behavior as ADHD symptoms, just attributes of a scatterbrained daydreamer who .

For those who don't know what RSD is, it's an intense emotional and sometimes even physical pain response to rejection or perceived rejection. Many women who are late-diagnosed ADHD were told when they were younger that they were "too sensitive," because that fit well into the inherent cultural biases that a) only boys really had ADHD, and b) girls are all too sensitive. I imagine for boys (and I apologize for speaking in such binary terms here; I am thinking more of the cultural treatments and expectations based on the presented genders of children and how that manifests into adulthood) it was also incredibly hard, due to the cultural stigmas around boys' emotions and violence being more tolerated than tears. Having RSD and simultaneously being told that sadness/hurt/crying is weakness is torturous.

It took me a while, as in this morning, to accept RSD as one of my own traits. I had a few examples, but for each one there was an excuse: that person truly meant to hurt me, I'm too sensitive, I really am a bad and not smart person so while the criticism or lack of praise was harsh it was also fair, and the classic: I must just be hormonal. In truth, I'm lucky I have been so supported, generally speaking, otherwise how would I survive? The letters from readers over the years at different magazines and the support from friends and family kept me showing up when the silence or perceived negativity of the moment told me to shut it all down, and the critiques I could address I really took to heart and made meaningful changes.

If we can take a deep breath and shift the narrative from "I am a bad person" to "what can I learn from this" we can move through the guilt and shame more easily, and frankly be less selfish in our responses to situations that aren't really about us.

I'm no doctor, life coach, or expert on much of anything except metaphor and the best way to string two sentences together, but I know I built up some strategies over the years to combat a neurological wiring I didn't know I had. As ADHD is slowly becoming more understood and the study of cisgendered women in general has led to some "groundbreaking" understanding of how our bodies and brains work, maybe some of these tips can help you as well.

• Save your praise. Whether it's emails sent to you, letters, photos of people who love you, screen shots of very sweet texts, or nice things people say to or about you and your work that you write down before you forget, save them in a place you will remember how to find. I know this sounds narcissistic, but it's self preservation. You aren't saying these nice things, they are true things that others are pointing out about you. When your pitch isn't accepted, you can't sell a story, your editor has a lot of edits, or as is often the case, a reader says something neutral or says nothing at all when you were hoping for praise, find it in this folder.

• You're a main character, but baby this is an ensemble. If an editor or content director doesn't respond to you, it likely isn't because they hate you or wish you were in a different career, but probably because they are busy. If your work isn't highlighted in a "best of" or called out as a great piece of writing, it's probably because there was just so much to choose from. Cheer on your other cast members! Root for those poet, freelance writers, anyone else doing the same thing as you who may be in that spotlight — it feels way better to rally for a friend and build community than it does to resent their success, which is what is ultimately happening if you are demanding the spotlight be shone on you. And if someone does something that you take personal offense to, they probably had no idea their words or actions hit the way they did, or that you expected something from them. Shift the lighting off yourself for a moment and let the shade cool your hot face, the spotlight has turned quickly into an interrogation bulb.

• Ask for clarity. It's not just therapy speak. Asking someone what they meant may be the magic words to learn that they didn't mean what they said or did in the way you heard or felt it, and it is a nice way to start a dialogue about the situation that isn't focused on your hurt emotions but rather on the larger picture. Once, I handed in a draft I thought was great, and the editor came back with a bunch of requests for things I thought I had done. Rather than ignore her email, or make heavy handed changes and vow to never work with her again, I asked for clarity and pointed out the parts where I had done what she was looking for. It turned out that not only was she looking at an older draft, but her editorial needs had shifted so she was changing the assignment mid-project, so it was a great opportunity to have a dialogue to get usboth back on track to producing quality content without too much extra work on either side.

• Find a solution. Let's say you deserved whatever criticism came your way. Rather than sulking and stewing, take action. This might mean asking the person directly how they might like the situation handled, or the answer might be right in front of you. This can be super hard if you're feeling extra low, but I promise that being proactive, cleaning your mess, learning from your mistake, and making the other person feel validated and respected will do so much for your own self-esteem and also for the relationship that could otherwise be tarnished — not by the offense, but by your RSD-triggered shame. One of my very first assignments, over a dozen years ago, was about a bike fabricator who found a niche building specialty bikes for cyclists who faced accessibility limitations with traditional bikes. I used a term for a person with a congenital disability that had been approved by one person in the story with a similar need but not by her specifically. My emotions quickly raced from devastation to shame to dismissal to avoidance back to compounded shame and devastation for not responding quickly to her email. Luckily, it was a digital publication, so I kindly asked my editor to change the phrasing I used (I forget what it was), and responded to this person. I apologized, showed her the change based on her email, asked if there was anything additional she preferred I do to mitigate the pain I caused. For my own actions, it was an early lesson in disability language and sensitivity readers, which now use anytime I write a story that includes a community of which I'm not a part — and also reach out to my network of writers to see if there's someone more appropriate to cover that story in case they are looking for work. My personal style guide includes language for disability, Native, queer, and other communities that are often misrepresented in media, with a note at the top to always ask the people in the story how they would like to be addressed. If we can take a deep breath and shift the narrative from "I am a bad person" to "what can I learn from this" we can move through the guilt and shame more easily, and frankly be less selfish in our responses to situations that aren't really about us.

• Find an ADHD therapist. Yes, there are therapists who specialize in ADHD; many of them have ADHD themselves and understand the lived experience without you having to do so much excavating to try to convince them of your neuropsychological traits. Many people have found success with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, especially for RSD, because it can be exacerbated in individuals with a history of trauma. A mental health professional who specializes in ADHD symptoms and has training in CBT may be able to help build the tools and resilience to overcome RSD before it washes over you.

• Join a writing community. The easiest way to get a genuine temp check for the situation is by asking other writers: does this feedback feel harsh or neutral to you? have you been in a similar situation before, and if so how did you respond? anyone have any tips for navigating this? I feel like a failure, can someone please read this story I worked on and share it with your network? I'm feeling insecure since that last spat, can someone please give this a quick read before I publish it? Sometimes all you need is for an outside voice to give you back the confidence you so willingly let slip.

Again, I am not a doctor. I'm not even a doctor of literature (hell, I don't even have a journalism degree, I'm a poet). I didn't even speak to doctors for insight into this blog post — I only do that for paid work, not for something I am rushing through at 7pm on the last Friday of the month. So please, please talk with your mental health provider, find a writing community, and remember to take a deep breath. This is a lot tougher job than people think it is, there's no need to make it any harder for ourselves by taking things too seriously.